Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
