Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
