anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
