Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
