I wannas sexs uuuuu
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
