I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize