i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
