dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
