Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
