weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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