last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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