New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
