apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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