normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
