Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
