I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
