I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
