My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm getting married
To pizza
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
