guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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