he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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