I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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