you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
