Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
