Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
