whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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