Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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