The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
