I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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