no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
