So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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