i used baking grease as lip gloss
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
