Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
