I got chris browned last night
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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