Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
