I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize