thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
