My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
