we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
