when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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