Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
