just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
