apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
