i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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