Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
