I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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