Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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