I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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