i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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