chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
