i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
