there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
