im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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