Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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