I'm so fucking centered right now
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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