I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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