1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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