we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
