I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
