When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
