Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
not ubering you a puppy
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize