his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
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