you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
