Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
