i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
People in love make me want to vomit
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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